And So This is Christmas

Last weekend, Nancy came out to visit me in Omaha. We went out to dinner that Friday night and started a list of things to do and people to shop for over the course of the weekend.

1. Restore Nicole's Christmas Joy.

Nancy's visit certainly helped usher in its return, but even with her around to cheer me up, my heart has stayed in an unusually dismal state for this season. It's very odd. No matter what the condition of my heart before Thanksgiving, the minute Advent hits I'm usually completely joyful and excited about the holidays. It's usually my favorite time of the year. But this year has been really different.

I've been praying for a renewed focus on the heart of it all. That's helped a little. But, all in all, I've just felt off.

A lot of it had to do with the fact that we weren't able to go to Ohio this year. We typically spend Christmas in Cleveland with the Palofs and the Prekops, my Aunt Linda's family. It's basically the only time I get to see them anymore. So I was bummed about that. So were they. I just talked to my cousin Hillary, who said she missed us so much yesterday. She wanted to play some get-together games (her specialty), but the rest of the family left by 7:00. "It was so lame," she said. "Instead, I had to do dishes. It was awful."

But for as sad as we've been to not be in Ohio, it was nice to be home and to go to my own church on Christmas. Last night, the Christmas Eve service was held up in Middle. It was nice to go to church at night. I don't know why. It was even nicer to be able to hug and visit with familiar faces. I really love the Amana Church. There's just something about sitting in that simple sanctuary, knowing that my mother grew up there, that my Oma grew up there, that her mother and the mother before her all spent their Sundays there. It was very beautiful to me to sing "Silent Night" in German, together as a community.

And then this morning at church, I was inspired. I had woken up in a sorry state. Still anxious, still bummed. Natalie and Kevin were getting ready to leave to go to his family's, and I was already getting sad about having to head back to Omaha tomorrow. I just felt like crap. I felt guilty for feeling so crappy on Christmas, but I couldn't help it. But then I went to church, this time in main Amana. We sat on the end of the pew, and I couldn't even see the elder preach. But I could hear him. I stared out the window in front of me, with the candle and the greenery in the ledge, and the sun shining through the shade. I listened to the choir, led by my dear Kristie, sing "I love to tell the story!/'Twill be my theme in glory/To tell the old, old story/Of Jesus and His love." And, slowly but surely, my Christmas joy came back to me. Halfway through the sermon, the elder preached, "Do you find yourself depressed at Christmas?" I started to tear up... Yes... He went on to encourage us to choose joy and to simply celebrate what God has done.

So that has been my focus today. I'm still really sad to have to leave tomorrow, I'm still stressed and anxious about a lot of the same junk, but I also have a renewed sense of joy...