Pancakes and Change: 2008

I called Kristie this afternoon with an announcement: "Remember how last year on New Year's Day I was a depressed, miserable wreck when we ate pancakes in your kitchen? Well, I'm calling to tell you that today Beth made pancakes for breakfast, but I am not a depressed, miserable wreck!"

Kristie just laughed. "I'm so glad," she said. And so am I. So am I.

Yes, New Year's Day 2007 was pretty much awful (see my past post Pancakes and Change). I was completely and utterly depressed at the fact that virtually nothing was different than it was on New Year's Day 2006. It was a despairing feeling, and it did not get 2007 off to a hopeful start. I drove from Amana to Omaha and listened to my then-new Jars of Clay CD, Good Monsters, which I have since listened to hundreds of times throughout this past year. One of my favorite songs holds the refrain:

I have no fear of drowning; it's the breathing that's taking all this work.

I was by no means suicidal or anything like that, but I was definitely hurting, deep in my soul. I remember getting back into town and walking around Hy-Vee like a zombie, numb from the emotional and spiritual beating. It was not a pretty time.

But the amazing thing about God is that He is so unbelievably faithful, even when I am not. So far, 2008 has been great (pardon the cheesy rhyme). And 2007 didn't end too shabbily, either. The conference I went to these past few days, Faithwalkers, was amazing. Especially since I did not want to go. But I am so, so glad that I did. We were at Tan-Tar-A resort at the Lake of the Ozarks in Missouri. It was fun to road trip down there with my friends, even if that meant being drawn on in my sleep with eyeliner (thank you, Aleeta!). The conference both challenged me and encouraged me in so many ways. It was a blessing to have so much time with Beth, Annie, Aleeta, Jenn and the guys. It was fun to see Lisa Bartlett. It was exciting to be among the first to congratulate Tom and Jenn on their engagement. It was humbling to see what true community in action looks like. It was challenging to be reminded of all the ways I need to step it up in my walk with God. It was encouraging to understand that the trials and challenges of life are good, that they build character and are a mark of God's care in my life. It was a great way to wrap up 2007 and usher in 2008.

On the last night of the conference, Aleeta and I bundled up and went down to the docks on the lake. It was a cold, but crisp and clear night. The stars were out in all their splendor, and the lights of the cabins reflected on the water. Aleeta and I just sat there, our butts cold on the dock, in a bit of a stupor. This conference was intense. There was a lot to take in and ponder. Aleeta eventually broke the silence with, "Isn't it amazing that, out of all the billions of people on this planet, we are among the few whom God has called to faith?" We went on to discuss our stories, and how amazing it is that God has invited us into His.

And it is on this humbling but hopeful note that I begin 2008. New Year's Eve was a blast. It was great eating at Red Lobster with Beth, Matt, Tom, Randy and Luke. It was good fun having all our friends over afterwards, ringing in the New Year with the beautiful Ocean's 13 boys and Catch Phrase. Today has been dramatically different from last January 1. Beth and I both spent the entire day in our PJs, reading, writing, praying, and pondering. I unpacked and cleaned my room listening to none other than Sara Groves. And the song of today is a lot more promising than last year's:

Hope has a way of turning its face to you

just when you least expect it.

You walk in a room,

you look out a window

and something there leaves you breathless.

You say to yourself,

it's been awhile since I felt this

but it feels like it might be hope...