Pancakes and Change

It’s amazing how much value we place on certain days. Birthdays and anniversaries, though ordinary days for most, are significant mile-markers for us individually. New Year’s Day is also telling, it seems. Really, today’s structure is no different than yesterday’s. Same number of hours, same winter season, same weekend-like feel. But somehow today is more significant. It marks a new beginning, a clean slate, etc. But really, it’s just a day.

Kristie and I were having this discussion in her new Middle Amana kitchen this afternoon. Over lunch of pancakes, sausage and hash browns, I told her that I’d been crying all morning. I woke up feeling not hopeful, like many do on this first day of the year, but rather skeptical. Scared, even. You see, on the surface, my life is almost exactly the same as it was one year ago. I live in the same city, same apartment, have the same roommate, the same job, the same no-boyfriend... Many of these things are good things, so why am I bothered that there hasn’t been much change? It’s probably because I could list as many as 30 friends who have had significant changes in their lives this past year. Weddings, new babies, new relationships, new jobs, new schools, new houses. This applies to about 90% or more of the people in my life. I started 2006 so hopeful that the struggles of the past few years would gradually disappear, yet so many remain. In some areas I still feel so... stuck.

And so all morning I was crying. I know that I really shouldn’t have been, because the blessings far outweigh the struggles, but when I’m in such a moment, there’s no talking me out of it. I just cried and cried. So I arrived, my face tear-stained, at Kristie's and Bill’s new house (Kristie’s is among the much-changed lives of the year). I shared some of my sorrows and she said, "It’s just a day. It may be a new year, but it’s still just a day." Yes, change is exciting, but a lot can be said for stability, too.

She then asked me a question I desperately needed to answer: "Are you in God’s will?" Oy. That’s a good question. I think I am, but, unlike most things in my life, I’m not sure. "Are you connecting with God?" Another zinger. Yes, I’ve been reading my Bible, I’ve been praying, etc. But I often have trouble deciphering what’s me, what’s God, and what’s Satan try to trip me up.

So in lieu of the typical New Year’s Resolutions (though I have plenty I need to at least attempt, like blogging more often!), I want to just focus on my faith. I need to make this a year of prayer, of actively seeking God and His will for my life. I need to wipe the tears I have on my face even now and hope for the best, hope for 2007 to be a year to remember, a year that will matter.

As I drove back to Omaha tonight, I thought about my time today at the Cutler/Yoder household and how completely new today’s memories already are, and it’s only January 1. The house is new. They just moved in this past week. Boxes were everywhere, yet I could already tell that the place is theirs. I have a fond attachment to the old house in High, but I realize that it’s not so much the house as the people in it. I’m sure there will be many new memories to come in the new house.

Thinking about this made me realize that there has been more change in my life this past year than I originally thought. Sure, the changes haven’t been in my life directly, but they have had impact. There is a brand new little person for me to love named Cainen. I’ve been able to encourage Tauna along her journey to seminary. I’ve been able to visit several friends in new homes and some with new spouses, and I know that these new places will hold many new memories to come.

So today is new after all. And tomorrow will be, too.