Roommates and Reindeer

I miss my old roommates.

Now that the Christmas season is here, I've been filled with feelings of abundant hope and deep sadness. I don't know what it is about this time of year, but I can't help but be just a little melancholy. On the one hand, I'm filled with this incredible joy because the promises of God seem palpable in the winter air. On the other hand, I'm struggling with this vague loneliness that runs deep and occasionally hits hard, even when I'm surrounded by wonderful people.

This morning Jaime and I decorated our apartment. It helped lift the spirits of this place quite a bit. We put up lights over our patio door and around our kitchen counter. We hung up little ornaments and decorated the tree. I even wrapped some presents while we watched Elf (not to be confused with Alf's Christmas Special, Beth!!!). It was a nice day. But watching the movie made me a bit lonesome for B5 days. I loved it senior year when Emily, Tauna, Staci Mae and I stayed in Andreas for a chunk of our Christmas break, just because. I think we watched 15-20 movies during the time. We made suppers together, visited a living nativity, and just enjoyed being there. I hadn't thought about that time for awhile, and it made me miss having so many people around.

Last night, I went to Andrew Peterson's "Behold the Lamb of God" show with Charlotte, Beth and Tom. It was just as fabulous as it was last year, but again it made me miss my girls. Last year, Wendy, Christina and Tauna came to visit that weekend and we went to the concert together and did some Christmas shopping. It was fun to all be together like that...

It was good music last night. It caused me to remember the simplicity of my faith. I so often get boggled down with all of the details and the doctrine that I forget that it's really not as complicated as I make it out to be. Even now I'm listening to the CD I bought last night, Jill Phillips, who was one of the performers at the show. The music is simple, acoustic, beautiful, faith-affirming.

I'm sitting with only the Christmas lights and desk lamp lit, continuing a bit in this melancholy, trying to make sense of this loneliness that I just can't shake. I love my friends here. I'm having a lot of fun. There is so much to be excited about this Christmas. Yet I still wake up sad way too often, feeling as though something- something key, something vital- is missing. This sense runs deep and is completely intangible and rather unexplainable. But it's there, amidst the joy and the hope and excitement, and it leaves me feeling alone here as I type these words.

But I'm listening to Jill Phillips sing, and I know she's conveying truth when she sings, from God's perspective, "I am constant, I am near/I am peace that shatters all your secret fears/I am holy, I am wise/I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires".

And so no matter how lonely I may feel, I know that I am never alone.