It Might Be Hope

At 2:30 Friday morning, I woke up, turned on my light, went into the bathroom, washed my face, and almost stepped into the shower. I thought it was 5:30, not 2:30, and I was ready to go. A second look at the clock reminded me that I had at least three more hours of sleep ahead of me. That's how excited I was for Friday night's Sara Groves concert.

I love Sara Groves. That's no secret. Anyone who knows me well knows how much I adore her music and how I want to be her best friend. I first heard about her at the start of my junior year at Mount Mercy. Christina had been to a concert that summer in Minnesota, and recommended I check her out. She knew I'd like her. I went to the Family Bookstore on Collins Road, birthday money in hand, and listened to a demo. All I had to hear was the first line of the first song of All Right Here and I was hooked: "It's been a hard year, but I'm climbing out of the rubble." It was so true. It had been a hard year, and the year that followed was even harder. That CD meant a lot to me at that time.

I could write volumes of specific ways that specific songs have affected my life at specific times. If I wrote music, it would sound like hers- that's how closely aligned it is to my heart.

The first summer I lived in Omaha I heard of a concert of hers in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. It was before I knew anyone here, and I decided there was no good reason for me not to make the trek. So that Friday in July, after work, I drove the two and a half hours to Sioux Falls, enjoyed an amazing show, and drove home again. It was a good trip, but a bit lonely. Thus, on Friday I was excited that Charlotte and Matt joined me for the journey to Lincoln to hear her perform once again.

And I wasn't disappointed. It felt like an evening with an old friend as she shared her stories and sung her songs. It was one of those experiences that once again confirmed everything that I believe in my heart of hearts. She sang many new songs, including the one I quoted in my New Year's post, and it gave me goosebumps. "Hope has a way of turning its face to you, just when you least expect it." And as I sat there with these friends, I was just so moved again at how true that has been in my life. I've just been so blessed by the ways God has been working in my life over the past year. A year ago I was begging to leave, and now I have no intentions of going anywhere.

Hope simply seems so much more real to me. It's moved beyond basic lip service, to being a true force in my life that I can actually stand on. When my typical insecurities plague me, I'm so much less prone to give into them than I once was. I haven't been allowing myself to feel so easily defeated anymore. When these thoughts start to confront me, I feel better equipped to push them aside and focus on the truth that God has a hold of me, and He's not going to let me go.

The concert challenged me to take this renewed hope, this renewed energy, this renewed joy, and use it to more actively add to the beauty around me. As Sara said, this faith is all about telling a better story with our lives. It's a story about hope.

Of Birthdays, Babies, and Bridal Boutiques

Since I used my very first blog post, in September of 2006, to welcome little Cainen into the world, I would be remiss to not use this forum to tell the story of Knox Baby Number Two.

Aroea was 96% positive that she was going to have a girl. Everyone was convinced of it: Kevin, her sisters, friends, everyone. I had no doubt in my head that she was carrying around Cainen's baby sister. Her friend Kelli, in town from Colorado for the holidays, even brought her some baby girl clothes- so convinced was she that Aroea and Kevin would be having a daughter. In the weeks leading up to delivery, Aroea needed to buy a nook. They were out of the green, so she was faced with a choice: blue or pink. She went with pink.

Well, so much for a woman's intuition.

I was incredibly shocked on Saturday when I talked to Rohana. "I have another nephew!" she exclaimed. "What?" Apparently, that was everyone's response, including Aroea's and Kevin's.

Jonas Avian Knox was born on Friday, January 11. And he's stinkin' adorable.

I was back home this weekend to celebrate my mom's 50th birthday. My family and I traveled up to Decorah on Saturday to visit Nancy at Luther and to celebrate this big milestone. So, back in Cedar Rapids on Sunday, I was able to go to the hospital and meet little Jonas. I honestly don't think I've seen that new of a baby since Nancy was born almost 19 years ago. It was exciting to get to see him and visit with Aroea and Kevin while they were packing up to take him home.

I just can't believe that Aroea has had two kids in the past two years. Most of the time, I still don't even feel old enough to be in college, let alone almost four years out of college!

In other news, I received my first international marriage proposal yesterday.

Tauna is in Turkey right now with a seminary class, and after she received word that Christina is also now engaged, she popped the question via email. Tauna and I are the only single B5-ers. She and I need to stick together. And though that is indeed true, the fact remains that we both like boys. And since neither of us swing the other way, single we shall remain (at least when it comes to each other!).

And speaking of weddings: Staci found her dress! After meeting Jonas at the hospital on Sunday, I drove up to David's Bridal and joined Staci, her mom, and her other bridesmaides (Kristin and her cousin Cari) to help her find her wedding dress. I was surprised that she found it on her first trip, but she did. It's beautiful and very Staci Mae.

It's only been 15 days, and 2008 is already off to an eventful start. And I wouldn't have it any other way...

Pancakes and Change: 2008

I called Kristie this afternoon with an announcement: "Remember how last year on New Year's Day I was a depressed, miserable wreck when we ate pancakes in your kitchen? Well, I'm calling to tell you that today Beth made pancakes for breakfast, but I am not a depressed, miserable wreck!"

Kristie just laughed. "I'm so glad," she said. And so am I. So am I.

Yes, New Year's Day 2007 was pretty much awful (see my past post Pancakes and Change). I was completely and utterly depressed at the fact that virtually nothing was different than it was on New Year's Day 2006. It was a despairing feeling, and it did not get 2007 off to a hopeful start. I drove from Amana to Omaha and listened to my then-new Jars of Clay CD, Good Monsters, which I have since listened to hundreds of times throughout this past year. One of my favorite songs holds the refrain:

I have no fear of drowning; it's the breathing that's taking all this work.

I was by no means suicidal or anything like that, but I was definitely hurting, deep in my soul. I remember getting back into town and walking around Hy-Vee like a zombie, numb from the emotional and spiritual beating. It was not a pretty time.

But the amazing thing about God is that He is so unbelievably faithful, even when I am not. So far, 2008 has been great (pardon the cheesy rhyme). And 2007 didn't end too shabbily, either. The conference I went to these past few days, Faithwalkers, was amazing. Especially since I did not want to go. But I am so, so glad that I did. We were at Tan-Tar-A resort at the Lake of the Ozarks in Missouri. It was fun to road trip down there with my friends, even if that meant being drawn on in my sleep with eyeliner (thank you, Aleeta!). The conference both challenged me and encouraged me in so many ways. It was a blessing to have so much time with Beth, Annie, Aleeta, Jenn and the guys. It was fun to see Lisa Bartlett. It was exciting to be among the first to congratulate Tom and Jenn on their engagement. It was humbling to see what true community in action looks like. It was challenging to be reminded of all the ways I need to step it up in my walk with God. It was encouraging to understand that the trials and challenges of life are good, that they build character and are a mark of God's care in my life. It was a great way to wrap up 2007 and usher in 2008.

On the last night of the conference, Aleeta and I bundled up and went down to the docks on the lake. It was a cold, but crisp and clear night. The stars were out in all their splendor, and the lights of the cabins reflected on the water. Aleeta and I just sat there, our butts cold on the dock, in a bit of a stupor. This conference was intense. There was a lot to take in and ponder. Aleeta eventually broke the silence with, "Isn't it amazing that, out of all the billions of people on this planet, we are among the few whom God has called to faith?" We went on to discuss our stories, and how amazing it is that God has invited us into His.

And it is on this humbling but hopeful note that I begin 2008. New Year's Eve was a blast. It was great eating at Red Lobster with Beth, Matt, Tom, Randy and Luke. It was good fun having all our friends over afterwards, ringing in the New Year with the beautiful Ocean's 13 boys and Catch Phrase. Today has been dramatically different from last January 1. Beth and I both spent the entire day in our PJs, reading, writing, praying, and pondering. I unpacked and cleaned my room listening to none other than Sara Groves. And the song of today is a lot more promising than last year's:

Hope has a way of turning its face to you

just when you least expect it.

You walk in a room,

you look out a window

and something there leaves you breathless.

You say to yourself,

it's been awhile since I felt this

but it feels like it might be hope...