Natalie-Lovers

I miss Natalie already. She came to visit me this weekend and we had the best time. She loves coming to Omaha, and I love it when she comes. It gives me an excuse to visit places I've never been, like the Durham Western Heritage Museum, which we went to on Saturday. They have all these old train cars and Natalie was so cute running through them, asking me to take her picture by nearly everything. They're goofy photos to fit us goofy girls.


Natalie also loves coming to Omaha because she loves my Omaha friends. I'm not saying that she doesn't love my college friends, BUT she has a soft spot for the Omaha people because, as she pointed out, they don't really know Nancy.

In college, Nancy was around more often than Natalie. Natalie was in high school and was busy doing the high school thing. But Nancy was littler. And cuter. And just so darn endearing. Natalie was nice and all, but harder to get to know.

But then I moved here. At first, Natalie lived in Sioux City, so she was here quite a lot. Even after she moved back home, she's come far more often than Nancy has. A lot of people here don't even realize I have a littler sister because she just hasn't been here much. And so Natalie flourishes in this Nancy-free zone. She doesn't have the "competition" of the cuteness that is Nancy Lyn. She is her own wild and crazy self and my friends here love her.

Friday night, we went over to Jonelle and Charlotte's (they're big fans of Natalie). I don't know what we were talking about, but somehow Christina Capecchi came up. Natalie was in the kitchen and yelled, "Who?" I repeated the name and she says with the straightest of faces, "Oh. She's a Nancy-lover," with an air of pretend disdain. Of course she loves Christina, but she also knows she can't compare with the Nancy in her eyes!

I miss Natalie already. And so does Jaime, apparently, who was home sick today and watched several episodes of "Grey's Anatomy" with her while I was at work. Jaime's a Natalie-lover.

Women Who Write

Thank you for the push, Tauna.

I'm slacking a bit on this New Year's Resolution of mine to "blog" more often. But Tauna emailed me today requesting a post. And then Natalie tells me she's been checking, too, and has been disappointed that it hasn't been updated in awhile. So, despite the fact that I really should go to bed, here I am.

Tonight I've been inspired (for lack of a less-cheesy word) by other women who write. I found out that my former high school English teacher, Ms. Jackovin (she hasn't been my teacher since 1998, but I still can't bring myself to call her Mary!), has written a book about her mom's battle with cancer. Whoa. That's some serious stuff. I read an excerpt online and was sobbing by the end of the first page. I think it's really cool that she's honoring her mother this way. It reminds me of the power of words.

Aroea sent me a little piece she wrote about politics for me to take a look at, too. I like being able to share in the process. I love having so many writer friends!

All this brings me to is this: Tauna, we really need to get working on our book!!

Just call me Josie Geller

Once upon a time, I volunteered to help with the Nebraska State Thespian Conference in Papillion. A Lincoln theater teacher on the Nebraskans for the Arts board, Patsy, is involved in this conference, and when she told us about it at a meeting, a wave of nostalgia passed over me, accompanied by a desperate desire to get involved with theater again somehow. So I told her I'd like to help out. She said she'd sign me up. And today was the day.

The conference started yesterday, but because of work meetings in Lincoln, I couldn't participate. So I walked into everything mid-way through, which was slightly awkward. But in a day full of awkwardness, that's hardly worth mentioning (and yet I did).

Now, keep in mind that I'm going into this thinking that I'm going to volunteer, that I will be helpful. Not having been to one of these before, I had no idea what that would entail. I got there at 8:00, like I was instructed. Patsy wasn't there. I didn't want to go into any of the performance rooms because I didn't want to miss Patsy and therefore miss my volunteer post. So the first hour of my morning was spent standing out in the hallway, feeling rather awkward. The saving grace of the morning came in the package of Andrea and Elizabeth Dunn, Michaela's little sisters. Running into them at least gave me someone to talk to.

Because of the snow, Patsy didn't get there until almost 9:00, at which point I quickly found out I wasn't there so much to work, but to observe and have fun. The problem was that there weren't many people there in that kind of role. There were the teachers, the high schoolers, a few volunteers, and a small group of parents. And me. The next hour of the morning was spent in the teacher's lounge with Patsy. Then I watched some improv groups. Then lunch in the teacher's lounge. It was all fine, but I couldn't help but feel out of place. Then the real fun began: workshops.

The problem here is that the teachers were teaching the workshops and the students were attending, and then there was me. So I looked at the list and decided to "sit in" on a couple. But as I did so I realized something very true and somewhat unsettling: No one noticed that I felt out of place because no one realized that I was. I look like a high schooler! The first session I went to had to do with writing. It was a small group. I sat in the back so the teacher wouldn't notice me. We had to do a writing exercise. I sat there and thought, "I have a degree in Creative Writing for crying out loud! I don't want to overachieve and make the students feel badly!" The teacher did notice me, and she read my writing out loud. And it was no better and no worse than anyone else's. I was almost disappointed...

Then I went to a theater workshop, which Patsy was teaching. It was very active and hands-on and made me miss theater days. But again: I didn't stand out at all. No one caught on. We had to partner up and I felt obligated to tell the first kid that I wasn't in high school. I think he was confused. So with my next partner, I didn't volunteer that information. But then he looked at my name tag, and it said I was from Lincoln High School (where Patsy teaches), and he asks, "You go to Lincoln High?" Actually...

It was bizarre. I wanted to yell, "I'm between six to ten years older than every one of you!" I felt like Josie Geller, Drew Barrymore's character in my favorite movie, Never Been Kissed, except there was no hot English (or in this case Drama) teacher there for me to hook up with. Man, wouldn't that have been a great story?

It's a Small, Mount Mercy World

A couple of months ago, the new president of Mount Mercy came to Omaha for a conference and the alumni office invited, well, alumni in the city to come meet him. I figured, why not? There was free food and drink, it was fun to meet other Mount Mercy grads in Omaha, and it was a good opportunity to talk up the English and Drama departments to the new guy. At this reception, I saw Valorie Dubovsky (who now has a different last name because she got married), and I talked at length with a girl who works for Hy-Vee, sometimes at the one I regularly shop at.

Fast forward to today. When leaving work, I took my purse out of my cabinet and spotted the Mount Mercy folder I got the day of the reception. I distinctly thought, "I should email Valorie sometime." I then went to Hy-Vee to pick up some fruit and milk. I walked by a lady giving away angel food cake samples. "She looks familiar," I thought.

I got up to the cash register and, lo and behold, two aisles to my left, there was Valorie. Seeing her triggered how I knew the angel food cake lady. So I talked briefly with Valorie, then with Julie, the Hy-Vee lady, who signed me up for the store's monthly wine club.

So within about a minute I happened to bump into two other Mount Mercy grads at the Hy-Vee on 96th and Q here in Omaha. I know it's the midwest and all, but it's still a small world. (Pardon the cliche.)

introducing: betsy

I'd like to introduce Betsy. I probably haven't mentioned her all too much over the years, but that's kind of odd because she's been very influential in my life. In many ways, she had as much to do with the early formation of my faith as Kristie did. They were cohorts, partners in crime, Jesus Freaks who brought their... freakishness?... to our middle school lives.

I now mention Betsy today because, seemingly randomly, she sent me an email responding to a message of mine from months ago. Today was a good day to send such an email. Today was day three of my Tear Fest (so far 2007 has been off to a less-than-dry start). I started the day reading from a devotional book that reminded me that God goes before me and my anxiety, leading the way. He was in today long before I arrived. And Betsy reminded me of the truth of this.

I don't even remember what I wrote about in the email Betsy was responding to. That's how long ago it was. But it was no coincidence that today was the day she chose to respond. It was definitely God-ordained. She wrote to me about how much she loved graduate school and how influential it was on her life. In fact, once her kids are out of school, she may want to go back.

But this is what was so amazing: "How do we know that it is time for change? Well, for me it is time to change when I feel comfortable, bored, and needing a challenge. That time is coming, I feel it in my heart and know that I am ready... I wish for you in this new year the ability to stop paining over decisions and go with your instinct. Remember that very few decisions are irrevocable. If you don't pack the right clothes, you will be able to borrow or make due and find it wasn't that important. If you go to graduate school there is another job somewhere waiting for you when you get out.

"Perhaps the most amazing thing is that God will use you wherever you land. He doesn't map your life, he fits his plan within the decisions and choices that we make. We really can't go wrong unless we decide to do something that goes against Him. Cool! That makes me feel great."

That makes me feel great, too!

Pancakes and Change

It’s amazing how much value we place on certain days. Birthdays and anniversaries, though ordinary days for most, are significant mile-markers for us individually. New Year’s Day is also telling, it seems. Really, today’s structure is no different than yesterday’s. Same number of hours, same winter season, same weekend-like feel. But somehow today is more significant. It marks a new beginning, a clean slate, etc. But really, it’s just a day.

Kristie and I were having this discussion in her new Middle Amana kitchen this afternoon. Over lunch of pancakes, sausage and hash browns, I told her that I’d been crying all morning. I woke up feeling not hopeful, like many do on this first day of the year, but rather skeptical. Scared, even. You see, on the surface, my life is almost exactly the same as it was one year ago. I live in the same city, same apartment, have the same roommate, the same job, the same no-boyfriend... Many of these things are good things, so why am I bothered that there hasn’t been much change? It’s probably because I could list as many as 30 friends who have had significant changes in their lives this past year. Weddings, new babies, new relationships, new jobs, new schools, new houses. This applies to about 90% or more of the people in my life. I started 2006 so hopeful that the struggles of the past few years would gradually disappear, yet so many remain. In some areas I still feel so... stuck.

And so all morning I was crying. I know that I really shouldn’t have been, because the blessings far outweigh the struggles, but when I’m in such a moment, there’s no talking me out of it. I just cried and cried. So I arrived, my face tear-stained, at Kristie's and Bill’s new house (Kristie’s is among the much-changed lives of the year). I shared some of my sorrows and she said, "It’s just a day. It may be a new year, but it’s still just a day." Yes, change is exciting, but a lot can be said for stability, too.

She then asked me a question I desperately needed to answer: "Are you in God’s will?" Oy. That’s a good question. I think I am, but, unlike most things in my life, I’m not sure. "Are you connecting with God?" Another zinger. Yes, I’ve been reading my Bible, I’ve been praying, etc. But I often have trouble deciphering what’s me, what’s God, and what’s Satan try to trip me up.

So in lieu of the typical New Year’s Resolutions (though I have plenty I need to at least attempt, like blogging more often!), I want to just focus on my faith. I need to make this a year of prayer, of actively seeking God and His will for my life. I need to wipe the tears I have on my face even now and hope for the best, hope for 2007 to be a year to remember, a year that will matter.

As I drove back to Omaha tonight, I thought about my time today at the Cutler/Yoder household and how completely new today’s memories already are, and it’s only January 1. The house is new. They just moved in this past week. Boxes were everywhere, yet I could already tell that the place is theirs. I have a fond attachment to the old house in High, but I realize that it’s not so much the house as the people in it. I’m sure there will be many new memories to come in the new house.

Thinking about this made me realize that there has been more change in my life this past year than I originally thought. Sure, the changes haven’t been in my life directly, but they have had impact. There is a brand new little person for me to love named Cainen. I’ve been able to encourage Tauna along her journey to seminary. I’ve been able to visit several friends in new homes and some with new spouses, and I know that these new places will hold many new memories to come.

So today is new after all. And tomorrow will be, too.