and remember now His mercy

Sara Groves said in a recent interview that her online life is dismal, but her off-line life is full... And that, too, is where I've been.

Life has been very full- too full in some areas, not full enough in others, but in general I've been breathing in the goodness of God in new ways lately, and it's been refreshing to my Spirit. I promise I will start writing about our great European adventure soon (but probably not until 2012!). It was wonderful and amazing and it's hard to know where to begin in capturing it. But I will. Soon. I want to remember it all. As far as the less-tangible things that are filling my days and filling my spirit... One of my English professors once said, in the context of memoir writing, that if a memory is important to you, you shouldn't write about it. I think part of the reasoning behind that advice is that you may end up butchering it. Or if you're not happy with how it turns out, the memory will be tainted. I don't know- I think it's because words often can't do the memory or feeling justice.

I've been frustrated a lot lately because I think of myself as a writer, yet lately I've felt like I've had a harder time communicating than I used to. I don't know what it is. I've been thinking hard and feeling deep lately, and there's been a lot on my heart that I've wanted to share. And so in the car on my drive home from work, I'll think about all of these thoughts and ideas and by the time I get home and have time to sit and write, they're gone...

But I can talk about this: I am thankful. Back in July, Aroea recommended a book to me: One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Now, when Aroea makes a recommendation, I don't take it lightly. So I bought it. And I can honestly say that I don't remember ever reading a book that has changed me so profoundly in the deep places of my spirit. It's beautiful. It's the kind of book that you need to read slowly and just allow its truths to sink it.

The premise is this: the author was challenged to make a list of one thousand things she is thankful for. Even in the face of deep tragedy and daily drudgery and the fallen nature of our lives, she kept this list. She's keeping this list even still. And reading about her list is changing my perspective. It's opened up my eyes to see and my ears to hear. It's helping me to complain less and love more. I'm not perfect, and it hasn't "fixed" me completely (will anything this side of heaven?), but it is doing a good work in me, and my spirit is more joyful for it.

I am thankful. And I feel like I was able to celebrate Thanksgiving more fully this year because of it. The Sunday before last, our small group gathered at the Mackey's house for turkey and stuffing sandwiches, pumpkin pie, and everything in between. It was good to be with friends, and the Potters and the Mackeys are as dear as they come. I am thankful.

For Thanksgiving day itself, we were in Pella. We started the day at church, and it was a beautiful service full of quiet hymns of praise. Back at the Van Zantes', the meal was delicious, and the fellowship encouraging. Arlene asked everyone to go around the room and talk about what we all were thankful for. Michelle had some particularly beautiful things to say about the journey that she and Ben and their girls have been on in this past year. I enjoyed hearing a bit more about what God's been doing in and through them. I was blessed to hear what everyone is thankful for. God is good.

Later in the afternoon, after some Buzz Word and Catch Phrase, Matthew and I went on a walk around the farm with Hannah and Livia. The sunset was spectacular out in the fields, and it was fun and refreshing spending time with that 7-year-old and 5-year-old and their fresh way they look at the world. I was breathing deep the spirit of God in the crisp country air.

All in all, our time in Pella was a lot of fun - good conversation with my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law, lots and lots of cuteness with those six little girls running around (okay, I guess baby Natalie technically isn't running yet, but you get the point), a visit to see the Dutch Santa, Sinterklaas, and Ben and Michelle and Matt and I even got to go on a little double date to the Muppet Movie. A good time was had by all. And I am thankful.

And then on Saturday, we went to Amana for the rest of the weekend. It was low-key fun- we decorated the Christmas tree, did some shopping around Amana, visited the Tannenbaum Forest at the Festhalle, ate Chinese food and played games. There's nothing like family, and mine's a fun one. It was great having all seven of us together... with an eighth on the way! Most people who read my blog probably know this, but in case you don't... Natalie and Kevin are expecting! They're due at the end of April, and the whole family is super-excited. She's starting to show, so it was exciting to see the new life that will be joining us in the spring. I am thankful.

On our drive back to Bellevue yesterday evening, we decided to usher in the start of advent by listening to Andrew Peterson's Behold the Lamb of God. The sunset was beautiful, and I felt overwhelmed by the gifts, by the faithfulness of God over the years. I can be such a wretched mess, and yet time and time again He shows Himself true. And a line from the last song on the album stuck out to me last night. I hadn't ever paid it much attention before, but it took on new meaning in light of the counting of gifts: "So rejoice, ye children, sing, And remember now His mercy." Remember His mercy. I hope I always will strive to live a life of thanksgiving, that I will have a heart that's always poised to look back and see His faithfulness and mercy in my life.

Ann Voskamp writes, "He gave us Jesus. Jesus! Gave Him up for us all. If we have only one memory, isn't this one enough? Why is this the memory I most often take for granted? He cut open the flesh of the God-Man and let the blood. He washed our grime with the bloody grace. He drove the iron ore through His own vein. Doesn't that memory alone suffice? Need there be anything more? If God didn't withhold from us His very own Son, will God withhold anything we need?...

"All gratitude is ultimately gratitude for Christ, all remembering a remembrance of Him. For in Him all things were created, are sustained, have their being. Thus Christ is all there is to give thanks for; Christ is all there is to remember. To know how we can count on God, we count graces, but ultimately there is really only One." This advent season, I'm striving to remember often, always, His mercy.

Sara Groves has a song from a couple of years ago called "This House". In it she talks about visiting her childhood home after years away from it, and how she could see God's hand in the memories inside the walls. I always loved the last line, addressed to her small daughter: "Ruby, you take it in - see He's withheld no good thing." It's her interpretation of Psalm 84:11: "No good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless." Ever since I heard this song, I loved that line and I loved this Psalm - He withholds no good thing.

So when Sara's newest album, Invisible Empires, came out in September, I immediately fell in love with this follow up song, "Open My Hands":

I believe in a blessing I don't understand
I've seen rain fall on wicked and the just
Rain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain
That broken find healing in love
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I will open my hands, will open my heart
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me

I believe in a fountain that will never dry
Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough
Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I will open my hands, will open my heart
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me

No good thing from us
No good thing from us
He withholds no good thing from us

I will open my hands, will open my heart
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me

I feel like this song complements the gift counting well. And over the past few months, I find myself singing this refrain almost daily. When I'm tempted to complain or be discouraged or be dissatisfied with the now that God has for me, I pray "I will open my hands, will open my heart... I am nodding my head, an emphatic 'yes' to all that You have for me."

Jill Phillips also has a new album out called In This Hour, and the themes here are also hitting home to me. The title of the album comes from this Walt Whitman quote: "Happiness... not in another place, but this place, not for another hour but this hour."

I pray that this Christmas season, and beyond, I'll be present in the hour that I'm in, that I'll remember His mercy, and that I'll open my hands and my heart to all that He has for me, for He will withhold no good thing.